Finding Yourself

  *SPOILER ALERT 

   The short story "Am I Blue" by Bruce Coville is about a teenager who hasn't fully discovered himself and needs guidance. Vincent receives a fairy godfather to help him find a path. He has been trying to figure out whether or not he is gay for a while, and is stuck in confusion. At the beginning of the story he is reluctant to admit to himself how he feels, but by the end he comes to a realization, while learning the truth about the world and its cruelty.

   Vincent gets bullied and called harsh names like "fruit, fairy, and faggot." He is angry and confused and doesn't understand why this is happening to him. When he first meets his fairy godfather, Vincent says, "'Me being your first case. Does that mean I'm gay?' I didn't mention that I had been trying to figure out the same thing myself for about a year now". This is evidence that he is confused, but when I read it, I pictured him saying it kind of vulnerably. It seems as though he kind of doesn't want it to be true. As if he has already concluded the answer to his question. He is anxious to know so that he can get it over with. I think that it is mainly because he doesn't want to deal with all the bullying. For instance throughout the story while he is talking to Melvin, his fairy godfather, what's on his mind is how much trouble he'll be in for talking to a homosexual. "...walking around with a guy who moved the way Melvin did wasn't going to do anything to improve the situation." "'What's the matter, afraid of guilt by association?' 'No, I'm afraid he'll come over here and beat us up. Only he probably can't beat you up, so he'll have to settle for me.'" So obviously he doesn't want to get injured, but I also think that he is denying the sentimental reasons. I think this is how he convinces himself that he isn't gay.

   Towards the middle of the story, Vincent wishes for 'gaydar', when you can tell who is gay because in your mind they show up blue. I inferred that when he got this visual, it was kind of like a wake up call that said, you're not alone. "It must be so lonely," he says, because he understands what Melvin feels. I think this comforts him, because he knows that there are other people who have  to discover themselves as well.

   By the end of the story, Vincent wished for the world to have this blue vision, and it opened up everybody's eyes. He was surprised by the people he saw, and some people upset him. Butch the bully for example, he was blue. So was the republican congressman talking about the horrors of homosexuality. At the end he concludes that although some may live in hiding, he shouldn't have to deal. He accepted that he was gay and he knows that there are others to back him up.

   It took a lot for Vincent to come to this realization, and he learned that people hide things to make their lives better. He went from feeling alone, to feeling confident. To do that you have to make a long journey. He accomplished self discovery. Where as I am not even close.

   I've never experienced anything that Vincent has. I had to read this story three times just to analyze the text deeper than just words on paper. But then I realized, that I am a "confused puppy", and so are you, and everyone else in the world. There is always the question, What do you want to be when you grow up? Most people at our age, don't know. For me, it's hard to plan things that are so far ahead. And although I like to be independent, I'm not ashamed to admit that I need guidance.

   Sadly, I don't get a fairy godmother/father. My guidance comes in the form of my horoscope kindle fire app. It's not as great, but as much as I'd like to, I'm in no rush to find myself. That will come at its own time. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up, and I don't know what kind of person I want to be. I'm glad that Vincent is happy with himself and now has a path that he is satisfied with. Me, I'm still searching for that road, the one that determines who I am and what it means to me.