Heavy Boots

"We had been searching together for six and a half months when Mr. Black told me he was finished, and then I was all alone again, and I hadn't accomplished anything, and my boots were the heaviest they'd ever been in my life."-Oskar Schell

The protagonist in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer,  Oskar, constantly uses the term heavy boots. When I first started this book, I had trouble depicting what it meant. Now, towards the end of the book, I think I can imagine what it means. From what I understand, heavy boots describe pressure, guilt. Like a heavy feeling that Oskar must carry with him.

When Mr. Black said he was done helping Oskar search for the key, he had given up hope. Just when he thought his search was getting somewhere, when his boots were light and airy- failure loomed over him. Heavy boots are stuffed with disappointment. To Oskar, it makes him feel "EXTREMELY DEPRESSED" and, "INCREDIBLY ALONE." But I see it as the thing that is weighing him down. If he loses hope so easily, he will never get to were he wants to be.

I've had the feeling of heavy boots. In all forms really. Anger, guilt, annoyance, frustration and desperation. And like Oskar, I always let it weigh me down. For the future, I know now that I can't let anything weigh me down, and if something does, something needs to be done to lighten that weight. I know that sounds cheesy, but that's what I felt every time I read that Oskar had "heavy boots". It makes me feel even more sympathy because that's what he felt ever since his dad died. His death weighed him down. Finding the key's owner was the only hope he imagined finding. If Oskar doesn't want heavy boots, he needs to let go.

Odyssey to Find Closure

 

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Foer
 


In the book Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Foer, the protagonist Oskar Schell finds all his answers in his dad. He thought that his dad was the best person in the world. He was smart, logic, and creative. Yes, everyone thinks this about his or her dad for the most part. But for Oskar, he is lost in a sea of questions without him. After losing his dad to the 9/11 terrorist attack, Oskar fights confusion and anger in determination to find closure.
 
I think that Oskar wants to find closure in completing a game that he and his dad had started before 9/11, and left unfinished. In this game his dad, Thomas, would give Oskar clues and he would have to bring objects to his dad that fit the description. His dad told him when he won. But this game had been going on especially long. Oskar searched day after day. Any questions he had for his dad, Thomas answered with questions. But Oskar never came close. Now, after his dad died, Oskar finds a key that he thinks may be the winner to the game. First though, he must find what the key is for, and who it belongs to.
 
Oskar travels to boroughs in search of anyone who might have been in acquaintance to his father. Yet, he is met with disappointment. Without his dad there to tell him yes or no, leaves Oskar completely lost and frustrated. He constantly reminds himself when someone doesn't supply him with a satisfactory answer, dad would've known. Oskar loves challenges and thought provoking tasks, but internally he is angry that he was left to figure this out alone. His dad was all Oskar ever wanted to be- but now he is gone. I think that Oskar wants to finish this game as a last sense of connection to his father. To prove himself worthy of one last approval.

I love my dad. He is not a professor, yet I feel like he knows all the answers that would be important to me. I can't imagine losing him, or his dad-jokes, or how he calls my classmates "kitty cats" on school trips. But it's not just him. I couldn't imagine losing anyone dearly close to me. But I feel that if I had, I would want to find a way to make it up to them. I would have to take some path to find closure. Oskar's, unfortunately, happens to be a long difficult odyssey of which he has to conquer on his own.

 

Revenge Or Relief?

13 Reasons Why By Jay Asher

I am nearing the end of the book 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. It is about the protagonist, Clay, listening to tapes recorded by someone who commits suicide. Hannah, the author of these tapes, creates them to tell 13 people why she decided to commit suicide, and what they had to do with it. On each tape, she records a moment of realization, and each one involves one of the 13 people on her list. In these tapes she tells her story, the one that no one has bothered to listen to. In each story, she tells of how that person hurt her, how that person affected her. It seems a little harsh, no? Leaving little reminders that you caused someone to take their life. A little like revenge. It seems as though Hannah did this out of anger, as if she wanted the people on her list to be forever haunted and with guilt. That may be why she started the tapes, but I think that it went deeper than that.

All of Hannah's stories so far, are truly terrible. From any other character's point of view it may have not been, but from Hannah's, I was able to feel upset for her that things went downhill ever since she moved. I can grasp the concept of why she would want to make the people feel guilty. I understand why she would want the 13 people on her list, to realize the affects of their actions. I understand it completely. I remember a couple of years ago, I was extremely upset. I can't remember why exactly, but I remember that it felt like my whole world was crashing down on me. Dramatic. I know. But I felt like I hated everyone, and I couldn't deal with anything anymore. I felt cramped in my small room,  and I felt lonely. I wrote down all the things I was thinking into an empty notebook, and left it on the dining room table. I wanted my family to realize how miserable I was. I wanted them to wander upon it, and find a tear-stained scribbled mess of anger and sadness. I wanted them to feel bad. But just as my mom was about to pick it up, I hurriedly snatched the notebook, suddenly changing my mind. I wouldn't meet her stare. I realized it wasn't fair to drag others into my problems, and that it was selfish of me to want them to suffer as much as I was. So I tore up the paper and threw them away.

So, yeah. The tapes that Hannah made could be looked at as unfair, and cruel. It could be argued that blaming these people and then making a permanent reminder is unjust. But I don't view Hannah as the kind of person that was filled with hate for herself and everyone around her. I think she was just tired of hearing rumors about her. She was tired of being looked over as unimportant, as if everyone already knew everything about her. But no one really did. I think that she told her story for the 13 people, in the way it actually was. In this way, the tapes acted as relief to Hannah, because she left the world knowing that her former reputation was cleared.

When I first started reading this book, I thought, this girl is really cruel. But as her story unfolded, I began to understand. The 13 people she blamed for her suicide, they all contributed to her source of unhappiness. Mostly by creating rumors, or breaking her trust. Hannah's trust was battered and bruised from her experiences, and she just wanted to give up. But the tapes, after a while, came off as sad to me. Listening, or reading one after another, I started to accept that she just wanted clarification for everyone. And I felt pain for her, that she needed to do that. Its not fair, that all of her problems escalated so far. Overall, I don't think that Hannah found pleasure in the tapes she made. I think she had a purpose in making them. Do you think she wanted to relive all those moments, that led to her wanting to take her life? Because I don't think so. She wanted people to understand her. Not pity, but simply understand her situation. By recording the tapes, she accomplished just that.

But what do you think was her reasoning? Revenge or relief?

Life on Loop: Breaking Away

I am only at the beginning of Possessed, by Kate Cann, but I noticed a clear goal of the main character Rayne. She lives in London, but desperately wants to get away. Escape, as she calls it. Rayne is tired of the loud noises, the tight spaces and responsibilities. She is annoyed with everyone for being to possessive, so clingy. She wants to escape her super-cool boyfriend, her obsessive mother, and having to share her bed with her baby brother when he gets scared. She knows she should be grateful, because she truly does have a good life. But in her eyes, it is the same routine everyday, and she is fed up.

When I read the first two chapters of the book, it was kind of annoying that all Rayne talked about was her desire to leave. In my opinion, she sounds really selfish and stuck up. If you don't read deeply into her reason as to why she want to leave, she just sounds like she complains about everything. Her two year old brother likes to lay next to her on the bed for comfort, but even that annoys her. "I can't bear it, she thought desperately. I hate having him here in my room, in my bed..." When I read that, I was kind of shocked. She only thinks about herself, always complaining to others how her life is so terrible. How she cannot go on living how she does. I don't think she takes into consideration other people's opinion. Why is it she has to leave what she has lived all her life behind, to truly fulfill her wants? Rayne shouldn't have to run away from the people she is unsatisfied with. All she has to do is confront her issues. Doesn't it seem as simple as that?

But truthfully, I think that we've all had those days, when you get frustrated with your life. As a student, I get tired of my long schedules and daily routines. I wake up early, go to show choir, endure six hours of school work, and then I have after school activities. And then I go home to finish my homework and to study. I only have a couple of free days to relax and hang out with my friends. I have early mornings on the weekends as well, for my aikido martial arts classes. I have been using this schedule/routine for over two years now, since I started middle school. I enjoy all my activities very much, but it is the same every week, and every day. When that happens, your life seems to grow more dull. For me, there have been times when I felt so confined, so restless. I felt so... so longing for something exciting to come along. So upset with everybody for no real reason, and you feel like your suffocating. Almost as if your life is on loop, the events of your day replaying itself as the week drags on. So, I personally can connect with Rayne, and I don't think I'm the only one...

Finding Yourself

  *SPOILER ALERT 

   The short story "Am I Blue" by Bruce Coville is about a teenager who hasn't fully discovered himself and needs guidance. Vincent receives a fairy godfather to help him find a path. He has been trying to figure out whether or not he is gay for a while, and is stuck in confusion. At the beginning of the story he is reluctant to admit to himself how he feels, but by the end he comes to a realization, while learning the truth about the world and its cruelty.

   Vincent gets bullied and called harsh names like "fruit, fairy, and faggot." He is angry and confused and doesn't understand why this is happening to him. When he first meets his fairy godfather, Vincent says, "'Me being your first case. Does that mean I'm gay?' I didn't mention that I had been trying to figure out the same thing myself for about a year now". This is evidence that he is confused, but when I read it, I pictured him saying it kind of vulnerably. It seems as though he kind of doesn't want it to be true. As if he has already concluded the answer to his question. He is anxious to know so that he can get it over with. I think that it is mainly because he doesn't want to deal with all the bullying. For instance throughout the story while he is talking to Melvin, his fairy godfather, what's on his mind is how much trouble he'll be in for talking to a homosexual. "...walking around with a guy who moved the way Melvin did wasn't going to do anything to improve the situation." "'What's the matter, afraid of guilt by association?' 'No, I'm afraid he'll come over here and beat us up. Only he probably can't beat you up, so he'll have to settle for me.'" So obviously he doesn't want to get injured, but I also think that he is denying the sentimental reasons. I think this is how he convinces himself that he isn't gay.

   Towards the middle of the story, Vincent wishes for 'gaydar', when you can tell who is gay because in your mind they show up blue. I inferred that when he got this visual, it was kind of like a wake up call that said, you're not alone. "It must be so lonely," he says, because he understands what Melvin feels. I think this comforts him, because he knows that there are other people who have  to discover themselves as well.

   By the end of the story, Vincent wished for the world to have this blue vision, and it opened up everybody's eyes. He was surprised by the people he saw, and some people upset him. Butch the bully for example, he was blue. So was the republican congressman talking about the horrors of homosexuality. At the end he concludes that although some may live in hiding, he shouldn't have to deal. He accepted that he was gay and he knows that there are others to back him up.

   It took a lot for Vincent to come to this realization, and he learned that people hide things to make their lives better. He went from feeling alone, to feeling confident. To do that you have to make a long journey. He accomplished self discovery. Where as I am not even close.

   I've never experienced anything that Vincent has. I had to read this story three times just to analyze the text deeper than just words on paper. But then I realized, that I am a "confused puppy", and so are you, and everyone else in the world. There is always the question, What do you want to be when you grow up? Most people at our age, don't know. For me, it's hard to plan things that are so far ahead. And although I like to be independent, I'm not ashamed to admit that I need guidance.

   Sadly, I don't get a fairy godmother/father. My guidance comes in the form of my horoscope kindle fire app. It's not as great, but as much as I'd like to, I'm in no rush to find myself. That will come at its own time. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up, and I don't know what kind of person I want to be. I'm glad that Vincent is happy with himself and now has a path that he is satisfied with. Me, I'm still searching for that road, the one that determines who I am and what it means to me.

Drummer Boy of Shiloh

   In the short story, "The Drummer Boy of Shiloh," by Ray Bradbury, the author uses unique writing craft that I found interesting. The metaphors an uses of imagery he uses throughout the text connect to each other in someway. He also portrays a message of sticking to reality.

   When the General finds the protagonist Joby to boost his confidence, he uses a metaphor to explain the point of his speech. "Well, when you got a bunch of wild horses on a loose rein somewhere, somehow you got to bring order, rein them in." This quote stood out to me because it is still relevant to life today, and will always be. My interpretation of this metaphor is that when something has gone to a person's head, something has to be done to bring them back to reality before it hits them unexpectedly.

   "I fear it will be full of boys again, just floating, at sundown tomorrow, not caring where the current takes them." This line creates really deep imagery that relates to the earlier qoute. The line where the boys "float carelessly", that's what will happen when the thought of being a hero distracts you. You don't know what you're in for, because you think that even though you are in a war, you aren't in harm's way. In this case, the soldiers die, become injured, or are forever scarred by the gory images of war. In reality, or present time, you are faced with dissappointment. Truthfully, no one is always lucky. Things can't always go the way you plan or wish for it to carry out. You have to prepare for something if you really want it, just like how you can't go into battle unarmed, and expect to win.

   In my opinion, I feel that everyone has gone through this in some way. Being unprepared, I mean. For instance, I didn't score high enought to qualify for an admission to Hunter middle/high school. I didn't study for it, unlike many others, and I wasn't prepared. I didn't win the battle against the exam. Now, I really want to score well on the SHSAT exam, so I am taking a Kaplan course. By doing this I am readying myself for the challenges that lay ahead. And I feel secure. Being aware of difficulties is part of being prepared. You have to be ready for what ever reality throws at you, which is the message of the story. But I feel that the message also gives off a bad lesson as well. It makes it seem like you shouldn't have dreams or hopes. It's like saying to yourself, "I won't try, because I know that I will fail." or like giving up before you start because you tell yourself there is no way you can accomplish it. But then comes the idea of preparation. When you have a plan, it is more likely for you to suceed. I feel that is something that a lot of people live by. People work hard to become that organized, to have a strategy or layout to what you want to achieve. So if you don't change the facts of the real world, then you have more control in how an event will result, because you won't be distracted by goals set too high or too low.

I know Why the Cage Bird Sings

 In the book I know Why the Cage Bird Sings, by Maya Angelou, the protagonist Marguerite constantly feels rejected. The interior conflict was always there, since the beginning and just continues to grow as she becomes older. When she and her brother Bailey were toddlers, they were sent to live with their grandmother in Stamps, Arkansas. Marguerite, Maya for short, had grown up thinking that they had done something wrong, which is why they were there and not with their parents. She grew up blaming herself for every flaw, every mistake. When their parents finally take them to St. Louis to visit, Maya feels she is in a foreign place. She's attacked by her mother's boyfriend and even then she feels responsible. She  becomes confused, alone, and stops talking, and her mother sends her and her brother back to Stamps. There Maya meets someone named Mrs. Flowers. Even though it is still only the beginning of the book, I can already notice the internal conflict start resolve. Mrs. Flowers had made Maya feel special and I predict that such a small gesture can go a long way.

 I always try to live by the rule to at least one good thing for someone every day. Whether it's holding the door for someone, saying hello, or giving them a compliment. I do this because I know that small things can make people happy. For example, I usually drop my brother off at school, and I used to not think very much of it. I was just doing it because I had the time and my parents didn't always have that. Plus, it was fun to race him down the sidewalk and talk about what was going on at school. So one day when I was dropping my brother off, a parent of a student who went to that school came up to me and said that I was really doing a great thing, taking my brother to school. How so many girls would hate having that chore and how they would love to see their kids getting along the way we did. After hearing that, I honestly felt like skipping home. That comment just made me feel so good about myself. And just think, if everyone could experience that feeling once in a while, everyone would be in a better mood.

 So, when Mrs. Flowers, the fancy gentlewoman, paid Maya some attention, she felt amazing. Just by reading to her, giving her cookies, and giving her tea, she felt wanted. For the first time, in a long time. The text reads, "I was liked, and what a difference it made. I was respected not as Mrs. Henderson's grandchild or Bailey's sister but for just being Marguerite Johnson." I think that with this feeling she can have a better attitude towards herself, and start to open up to others. I think that even though this was only a small moment in  the book, I think it is important. I feel this is where Maya starts to see herself differently. And I think this will lead to a pattern in her future decisions. So for now, I think this conflict of low self-esteem is starting to be resolved. Maybe she'll come across others who treat her respectfully like Mrs. Flowers. But I think she'll soon just become accustomed once again to being put down. After all, there is still much in the book Maya is yet to experience.